


Death by Meeting

by dgdreamer



Series: The End is the Beginning [7]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Hawkeye (Comics), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Adults Misbehaving, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Meetings are Awful, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Sarcasm, Tony Stark Is Not Helping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 16:37:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17410442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dgdreamer/pseuds/dgdreamer
Summary: Lauren and the Avengers are stuck in a long, boring meeting. How will they pass the time? Misbehave, or course.





	Death by Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this is a bit of shameless catharsis for me. After months of being stuck in weekly meetings like this, I needed a way to say what I wanted to say IRL. I used the chance to explore a little more about Lauren and her relationship to the people she's surrounded with. 
> 
> This is a gift for A_Roz. I hope this is all you thought it might be. 
> 
> ... and now, please enjoy a slice of what I have endured from a humorous perspective. 
> 
> Have fun!

Boredom is an intriguing state of being. In a world where a universe of possibilities is open and the fantastic becomes ordinary in the blink of an eye, it should be virtually impossible to reach that mind-crushing blankness that is pure _boredom_. Impossible, that is, on a normal day and with reasonably normal people, but living a life within the context of the newly reconstructed SHIELD and their connection with the Avengers, it should be incomprehensible. All things considered, it shouldn’t have been surprising then that the unthinkable was a reality, and it was personified in the agent who now stood at the head of the table peopled by most of the Avengers team. How an organization that handled some of the most advanced and unconventional information and dealt with entities that were thought by most to be simply fantasy had fostered such a human being defied logic. In fact, the entire situation must be some kind of retaliation for some team misdeed. No one in his or her right mind could think that any sane person could handle this torture for as long as they had been there. This meeting must be something else, there is no way they were just going to eat up valuable hours listening to this idiot drone on about something that was as obvious as Nick Fury’s eye patch. That must be it! It was a psychological test to see who would crack first.

Three days ago, when the meeting request had come in, Lauren had been intrigued by the summary and agenda. An agent from Planning and Logistics wanted to discuss processes and systems that would help mitigate collateral damage and casualties during any incident. It had all sounded good three days ago, but just fifteen minutes into what was now clocking in at a two hour presentation it was evident that what was being offered was boring, unnecessary, and quite frankly, painful to the extreme. Within the space of the first few sentences, the presenter had stated the problem and the real solution to the issue but shifted it aside as inconsequential in favor of his complicated background information based on statistics and projections supported by innumerable spreadsheets and accompanying graphs. He really could have stopped at situational awareness on the part of the responding team members and their support and asset management on the part of SHIELD and first responders. But no, Ockham and his razor was missing from this man’s education.

Far be it from her to wish evil into existence, but where were the fucking attacking aliens or HYDRA goons when you needed them. A flash from the instant messaging icon on her laptop brought Lauren’s attention back from these dark thoughts. Maybe they all just been saved from brain atrophy by a incoming call to Assemble. Lauren clicked on the icon, half in hope and half in fear.

 **Genius** : Where did Patch and Agent dig up Wonderboy?

 **Sherlock** : Wonderboy?

 **Genius** : I didn’t know people could be this annoying and boring at the same time!

 **Sherlock** : Behave yourself, Irene!

 **Genius** : ENTERTAIN ME!

 

Lauren looked down the long table a few seats to where Tony sat on the opposite side, tapping at his StarkPad, raising his eyes to her pleadingly within seconds. She tried giving him a stern glare, one she had seen work for Pepper on more than one occasion, but it was a half-hearted attempt at best. He was right. This kid was one for the record books. And, were she to be honest, Wonderboy was the perfect description. He was young, mid-twenties probably, and was on the tall side, not nearly so tall as Steve, but near six feet, with a shock of dark hair that might have been nice had it not looked like he combed it with the oil from a cheap diner’s deep fryer. Everything else about him was average, weight, features, build, even his suit, everything about him just just screamed AVERAGE. _“Maybe I’ve had just spent too much time with people like Tony and Steve to appreciate normalcy.”_ Lauren thought to herself. The one extraordinary thing about him was becoming increasingly obvious with every syllable of every word that he spoke. It was also what made this experience more and more unbearable. The young man clearly had a warped view of his own intellect and likability. As he spoke it became more evident that he wasn’t one tenth as bright as he thought he was, and, in his efforts to impress the people in the room, he adopted a tone that he must have considered friendly, but, in reality, was just tedious and condescending.

If Lauren hadn’t been sitting near the head of the table in close proximity to Fury and Coulson, she would have been tempted to either roll her eyes or fall into a doze. Because she wanted to reflect the professional demeanor of the men she respected, she chose rather to slightly shift her chair away from the table, cross her legs demurely as if she was settling in, and pull her laptop down onto her crossed knees. The position hid her screen from prying eyes while she answered emails, read reports, or, as she had just done, chat with one of her teammates.

A short buzz from across the table pulled Lauren’s attention away from her screen. Fury pulled his phone from his pocket, scowling at the screen as he stood. Seeing him rise, Wonderboy paused, waiting to see if he should continue. With a motion of his hand and a nod as he turned to walk from the room, Fury directed him to go on. As Fury left the room, mumbling to the person who had just rescued him, Lauren struggled not to smile. Young she might be, but naïve or stupid she wasn’t. The man had already spent too long dealing with the inane; he had more important things to do.

The light shifted as Wonderboy displayed yet another meaningless graph of projected statistics based on outdated or fabricated information. Lauren glanced at it, quickly making mental note of the glaring problems with the figures and formulas, just in case someone asked her opinion later. Her line of sight brought Coulson’s carefully blank profile into view. Of course, who knew what was happening behind that apparently attentive façade. He could have been planning a half dozen ops, reciting Hamlet’s soliloquy, and composing a full symphony in his head simultaneously. Lauren didn’t doubt his ability to do all those things; his intellect and talents were always underestimated by those who didn’t know him well. Or, Lauren thought mischievously, he could be mentally calculating whether transferring Wonderboy to the SHIELD facility least likely to be visited by him was worth the paperwork. If it were that, Lauren would gladly volunteer to offer her assistance if it would sway his decision.

Another flash from the messaging icon drew Lauren’s thoughts away from Wonderboy’s potential banishment:

 

 **Genius** : How many ways has widow found to end Wonderboy do you think?

 **Sherlock** : IDK – depends on her range of available weapons

 **Genius** : Let’s ask

[Widow has been invited to this conversation]

 **Stark** : So? How many ways can you kill Wonderboy?  Items only within 10 feet!

 **Widow** : Thirty-seven

 **Widow** : And that’s if I don’t use the knife Barnes is currently holding

 

Lauren flicked her eyes toward Bucky, who had also pushed his chair back at some point to throw his boots onto the table, tilting his office chair back as far as it could go without spilling him onto the floor. He was casually thumbing the tip of a wickedly sharp looking knife, turning the handle back and forth slowly as is checking the edge of the blade for flaws. Apparently, Wonderboy was either oblivious or more ignorant than he looked. The scowl on the former Winter Soldier’s face was intimidating as fuck.

Deciding that if Fury had bailed and she was mentally checked out anyway, they may as well have some fun while they were stuck.

 

 **Sherlock** : What was the threat, Stark?

 **Genius** : ??

 **Sherlock** : No way you’re here this long if someone didn’t threaten you.

 **Genius** : It was bad. Nuff said.

 **Sherlock** : Afraid to tell me?

 **Genius** : Too unspeakable to name.

 **Sherlock** : Afraid I’ll get ideas?

 **Widow** : He is – I’ll tell you later

 **Genius** : I wish you two weren’t friends

 **Sherlock** : Poor baby – the girls are picking on him

 **Genius** : You aren’t girls –

 **Genius** : Yeah… What I mean is – you are both incredibly talented and brilliant women who moderately intimidate the best of men

 **Widow** : Then we scare the shit out of you

 **Genius** : Rude

 

Lauren hid a laugh behind a choking cough. Somewhat unsuccessfully since it earned her a world class side eye from Coulson. When he didn’t offer anything more, she assumed she was in the clear.

 

 **Sherlock** : Nominations are now open for Teacher’s Pet Awards: I forward Wanda, Vision, and Steve

 **Widow** : Wanda wants him to say something important, he’s not… look at her hands…

 

Lauren glanced down the table, noticing the red ball of energy that Wanda was rolling across the tips of her fingers as she rolled it from hand to hand.

 

 **Genius** : Viz looks polite but he’s probably calculating the value of Pi to a thousand places or giving the human idea of sleeping with your eyes open a go

 **Sherlock** : So, is Cap the winner?

 **Sherlock** : Is he actually taking notes?

 **Genius** : No, I looked, Captain Righteous is making a grocery list

 **Sherlock** : Is anyone actually paying attention?

 

It only took a few minutes for Lauren to answer her own question. Once she started scanning the occupants of the room, she could see that they were all playing the same game, only a little differently. Bruce had a legal pad on his lap, but Lauren could tell by the way he moved that he was working out equations, not taking notes. His shoulders did that twitch when he reached something particularly puzzling or difficult. Thor didn’t event try to hide his inattention. He wore an expression that somehow communicated his boredom with information he had already gained in his thousand or so years of life experience as he flipped Mjolnir head over handle, catching it easily in one hand as he tried to stifle a yawn. Tony was still tapping on his tablet, dragging his finger across schematics and making notes while still carrying on their IM conversation. Clint, well, it was no surprise that he was the worst of them all. He had taken the best seat to misbehave and get away with it. He was on the same side as Lauren and Coulson, but at the far end. Somehow, he had found a rubber band, something that had been banned from the premises for just this reason, and was using his teammates and Agent Wonderboy for target practice. His missiles of choice were tiny wads of paper torn from Bruce’s notepad. How Clint managed to hit Wonderboy in the back of the head from that angle Lauren didn’t know, but watching the kid raise a hand to brush invisible objects away was one of the most entertaining thing she’s seen all day.

While she had been otherwise occupied, Agent Dreary had moved on to how his proposed strategy “should” solve several problems at once, given that several other variables moved in favorable ways. Of course, with no practical knowledge of what an actual incident was like, he had no idea that the issues he proposed solutions to never existed in every scenario and that under no circumstance did all factors meet together in a perfect convergence that allowed his plan to ever work. Almost unconsciously, Lauren began to count the number of times he used the word “should” in his presentation. The figure was astounding. Evidently, someone else in the room shared her own line of thinking.

“If the world was built on ‘should’s’ then you’d all be speaking German right now,” came a mumble from down the table.

Cautiously, Lauren looked around the room to see who else might have caught his words. Tony was staring at Steve, wide-eyed, while several others stifled grins. Wonderboy had even pulled his own head out of his self-important ass long enough to stop monologuing and ask, “Was there a question?”

“Sorry, just my stomach growling,” Steve replied without so much as a twitch, “skipped breakfast this morning.” He flashed his shy All-American, Apple Pie smile and looked back to his notes.

Lauren couldn’t believe it. Captain Truth and Justice had trolled someone, then lied about it using another lie. Anyone who knew him was very aware that Steve never missed a meal if he could help it. If she hadn’t been so shocked, she might have enjoyed it a little more. Covering her surprise by glaring at her laptop screen, she rejoined the chat session with Nat and Tony:

 

 **Sherlock** : Please tell me that just happened?!

 **Widow** : It happened.

 **Genius** : He’s all grown up – I’m so proud

 **Sherlock** : How could Wonderboy not have heard that? I did and I’m only 4 feet closer.

 **Genius** : Clueless. How can anybody be that clueless?

 **Sherlock** : Maybe it’s because he’s so bland – he doesn’t comprehend trolling

 **Sherlock** : His look would make for a good cover

 **Widow** : The ignorant act might work

 **Sherlock** : He’s not _acting_. I think he _is_ that dull witted

 **Widow** : Harsh.

 **Genius** : Accurate.

 **Sherlock** : He has a “derp” face.

 **Sherlock** : Can we make a permanent “derp” mask for undercover work?

 **Widow** : Derp face?

 **Genius** : Look at him and tell me you don’t hear that sound in your head.

 **Sherlock** : Permanent derp face – permaderp

 **Widow** : Sounds like something Stark might create

 **Widow** : Could use it on missions

 **Sherlock** : “Disguise yourself using ‘Permaderp’ by Stark Industries”

 **Genius** : Research, R&D, Marketing… Pepper is paying too many people. Want a job Sherlock?

 **Sherlock** : I’m serious… you should see him up close. Like a clockwork man. You can almost see the gears turning.

 **Sherlock** : I wonder if he’s windup or runs on batteries?

 **Genius** : Rechargeable. More green.

 **Sherlock** : Like a Roomba :-)

 **Genius** : I wonder where you plug him in.

 **Sherlock** : Not getting that close. Ewwwwwww

 **Widow** : Not even if the world depended on it

 **Sherlock** : But maybe you would see if he loses the face

 **Widow** : I repeat… no… not even if Stark could make him look like…

 **Sherlock** : Like Steve? Hmmmmm?

 **Widow** : If you need an example :-|

 **Sherlock** : Well, Tony’s dad basically helped invent our dear Captain ;-) Maybe he could…

 **Widow** : Not even then…

 **Sherlock** : So Nat? … Romanogers?

 **Genius** : Did you forget I was here?! Brain bleach! That’s what I need to invent!

 **Sherlock** : Oh, c’mon, Stark, you know all of us here secretly ‘ship Stony.

 **Genius** : FRIDAY is now blocking all fanfiction sites from being accessed on our network.

 **Widow** : NO!

 **Genius** : You too? You’re a bad influence, Sherlock!

 **Sherlock** : I have leadership skills, Stark.

 **Genius** : You are trouble.

 **Sherlock** : You have no idea… but for the past few minutes Wonderboy has only been an annoying hum in the background of our lives. I call that a win.

 **Genius** : You do have your talents.

 **Sherlock** : Again… you have no idea. ;-)

 **Genius** : Is that an invitation?

 **Sherlock** : I have a sword, Stark!

 **Genius** : So… Permaderp or Brain Bleach?

 

This time the laugh couldn’t be covered. It exploded in a snort that she tried to turn into a cough or sneeze, but it didn’t quite make it. Coulson turned his face fully toward her, his features schooled into his “stop playing with the children and pay attention” look. With a guilty glance toward Natasha and Tony, Lauren closed her laptop and turned her attention back to the presentation. While the meeting dragged on, Lauren struggled to stay focused and awake, and that irritated her. She was an adult, and an agent, and could sit still and pretend to pay attention for just a little longer. All she needed to do was look interested. “Channel your inner Coulson,” she scolded herself sternly.

Not daring to look at anyone else for fear of completely losing control, Lauren turned her gaze to the agent she could now only remember as Wonderboy. At least her eyes were focused in his direction. Her mind, however, was feely wandering from topic to topic with no real purpose. Something in her face must as shifted as she plucked at a stray thought. Before she could comprehend what was happening, Wonderboy stopped what he was saying and looked her directly in the eye.

“Do you have a question, Agent Ward? Do I need to go back over that last section?” He peered from under his thick fringe of greasy bangs with obvious sincerity, hope in his eyes that he would again be allowed to display his capability to explain the hidden complexities of his work.

Lauren would forever blame her next words on her lack of sufficient caffeine intake for the day.

“No, I’m just trying to picture you with a personality.”

The room fell silent for what seemed like an eternity, but was only a handful of seconds. Then, nearly every occupant exploded into howls of laughter.

“Oh, God! Stark has corrupted her!” howled Bucky, slamming his boots to the floor to keep himself from dropping out of his chair as his body shook with mirth.

“And on that note, meeting adjourned,” Coulson announced, almost breaking his composure as he stood and walked quickly to the door.

Jumping from his chair, Tony clapped his hands. “Sherlock, I couldn’t have said it better myself… and that make you a genius. Let me buy you a drink… let me buy you all the drinks. You’ve saved me from being the ass here and rescued us all from death by meeting.”

With this additional insult to his dignity, Agent Wonderboy, as he would forever be known, drew himself up and finally fell silent. His exit from the room was marked by a flurry of forgotten papers and a chorus of guffaws from the relieved band of superheroes.

Lauren herself was mortified. With one moment of inattention, she had destroyed the mask of cool professionalism that she had struggled to maintain. Her face was now buried in her hands, hiding her reddening cheeks and preventing her from seeing what she was sure would be disappointment and censure in the eyes of people she liked and respected. She resolved to remain in this room for the duration of her life. Starving here would be preferable to the dressing down she was sure to get from Coulson and the “Eyebrows of Disappointment” from Captain America.

“Coming, Sherlock?” Tony called from the doorway.

“No, let me die of embarrassment. They should have my replacement here soon,” Lauren moaned.

“First rule of sarcasm, kid… Own it!” Tony encouraged.

Lauren finally chanced a look through the fingers that covered her eyes, expecting to see a room full of glaring faces. Surprisingly, it was empty. She blew out a breath of relief and stood, gathering her things with shaking fingers and moving toward the door on unsteady legs.

“I can’t believe I said that, Stark. You really have corrupted me!” Lauren accused.

“I have leadership skills.” Tony mimed her earlier words.

“You are trouble!” Lauren returned.

“Granted.” Tony moved to allow her to leave the room. “So,” he beamed, “I’ve had FRIDAY cue up the recording of the meeting in the common room. Whenever Wonderboy says ‘process,’ ‘facilitate,’ or ‘system,’ we take a shot. What do you think?” He threw his arm around her shoulder familiarly.

Lauren waited the few seconds it took to reach the elevator before straightening her back and responding in her most Coulson-like tone, “I think you better order more booze.”

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, Agent Wonderboy is based on a real person. No kidding! And the Roomba conversation... yeah, that actually happened in one of those psychological torture sessions they call meetings at my workplace. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed. Kudos and Comments are food for my soul... FEED ME!


End file.
